It's amazing what a smile can do.

Door County Fall 50.

This is a race that I have had mix feelings about.  Excited, terrified, unsure, confident, and confused.  Knowing the struggle that I endured last year, I was not looking forward to that kind of suffering again.  Running in general for me, as of late has lost its luster, that magic quality that pulls you in to a place of tranquility.  It has been a challenge to even get out the door, to even think about going for a run.  Always being a solo runner, if I didn't have a running partner I simply didn't go.

There are many reasons that I will tell you why I haven't been running/training.  Work, school, kids, spouse, new dog, etc. The list goes on.  One reason is to blame though deep down and I know it. Boston.  I had not recovered from that.  Physically I suppose I did, although my training was nil.  Mentally and emotionally not even a chance.  My will had been broken, that mental toughness that got me through tough training runs had disappeared.  How was I going to run 50 miles with out toughness?!  Last year that is all that got me through those last 10 miles.

Doubting myself and my ability I had to make a decision.  Run or don't.  If i was ever going to get my love back for running this should be the ultimate test.  With hundreds of miles less in training and my stubborn attitude gone, this sounded impossible.  Even to my partner, he had no confidence in the feat that i was about to encounter.  He will be the first to admit that he would have bet money on me that i would not finish.  But he agreed to go with me against his better judgment.

I made the decision.  Instead of try to beat my previous years time(the plan when i signed up before Boston), I was going to run my race, I was going to finish, I wasn't going to care where i was in rank, I was going to have the "come to Jesus" meeting with myself and find my love for running again.  This race will be a new start, the pain from Boston will always be there, but it doesn't need to be at the surface and determine who I will become.  Time to let it go.

Roger and Roubaix make the trip with me the day before, we got my packet ate dinner and prepared for the day to come.  In true Nora race fashion we are there early, and I am pushing the nervousness back down my throat.  The dog is overstimulated and we are all cold.  Race morning brings us low 40's with 30 mph winds along the coast. I am supposed to have fun?

The gun goes off and we start, I am in the middle of the pack instead of on the start line.  I start slow, I would like to negative split for once.  my nice "slow" pace turns out to be the same pace I started out at last year, oops.

1-10 miles were fine, steady pace ran through the first race stop and got to see my boys. I started the race with a smile on my face and a whatever attitude. I was going to finish that way.

A little chit chat with fellow runners along the way makes the miles go by way faster.  After the pit stop at 11 I was charged up. i was determined to run smart, walk the hills, take time at the rest stops, kiss the boys, and don't rush. I was slowing a bit the wind ended up being mostly a tail wind(whew), but sometimes made for a nasty cross wind.

The colors were amazing and that's the part I needed, the solitude to appreciate the smells of nature.  Be in awe of the change in something so alive all around me.   Those next few miles were just that, running through a state park along the water was indeed serene.  For the first time i am running a race with a smile on my face.

i am greeted at each stop from my support crew, roger keeps asking if I want to know how I am doing, my answer is always no. I just want to finish, that is my goal, finish before 6 pm.
i get to mile 30 and more than half way there, looks like i could finish in 9 hours, but i walk when i need to and don't feel bad about it.  Mile 40 and still feeling good, still with a smile.

I reach the 41 mile rest stop.  This is where it really fell apart last year, the goal then was just make it one more mile.  i knew this year if i could come into the stop feeling good, I could finish strong. I came in without a problem.

Only 9 to go. I ran, I walked.  I wanted to conserve a bit so I could push the last two miles in faster. Last year they were so hard, I was crying in pain.  This year my body was fine, my mind was clear.  I was happy. I get to 48 and it's go time.  I wasn't going fast per se, but faster than the 10:20 i was doing.  Man did it feel good to have something left to give.  I look at my watch and i know i can get in before 9 hours.

I finish with a smile and in 8:55, only 55 minutes slower than last year but this one was better.  I still managed a 6th age group placing and 14th overall female.  My man is speechless, never in his wildest dreams could i have accomplished this.  Boy did i prove him wrong.

It remains to be seen if my will has resurfaced and if the love is back, right now i believe it is.  I am sore from head to toe, but i embrace all of it knowing that i did something that will change me forever and bring me back.  it's that good kind of hurt.

Anytime I had a doubt or I focused on the humongous blister between my toes.  I forced that smile and it all went away.  who knew running 50 miles could be FUN!

The person you're not

Wednesday April 17th, 2013

Today.

I am home. Why do I feel like such a stranger here? Why am I seeing things so differently now? I feel out of place. Why is the norm to put on that brave face and pretend nothing happened? How do I be the strong person for my kids? How?
When you say my name, some form of the word run usually follows it. That is me now, the runner. It defines me and everything that I am and have striven to be. It has come naturally to me and has been the escape i have longed for, for such along time. If you are a runner then you know what its like to have a bad race, especially the first bad race. I had that at Boston, my FIRST EVER bad race. I have never wanted to quit something so bad and finish at the same time. I feel like I have failed everyone around me who was watching me from afar. I failed myself, I could have trained harder, i could have made sacrifices. I let so many of you down. Its that deep down shame that covers you in a blanket of disgust.
Why keep on running? Why race if I'm only going to fall apart again? I have no answers for any of it. the fight I am having with myself to get over it is a losing one.
The embarrassment of having the bad race at Boston is even worse. I had to walk the last 5 miles and throwing up along the way. having the crowds around you laughing, saying "run, you're almost there", "looking good", drove the dagger in even further. walking with your head down so you don't make eye contact with the spectators who pity you is the only way you can make it through. This person is not me, I don't race like this. How am I letting myself be so pathetic?
People keep saying, "you finished, that's awesome", my response is "whatever". I want to lock all the memorabilia away never to lay eyes on it again. I didn't deserve that medal, who am I fooling wearing that jacket?

If that's not enough, you then add the tragedy that now plagues that day.  Because of my bad race performance I finished about 3 minutes before the first blast. I had "run" in the last 200 yards. If I hadn't I would have been right there. I was licking my wounds across the finish and was only yards away from the blast. Freezing cold and confused I knew what happened. I rushed to get my medal and my space blanket, and frantically began my search for roger. We had a meeting point about 2 blocks away. I was hysterical and the further you got away from the finish the less people knew what happened. I had no phone, no way to contact roger, hoping he was at our meeting spot.
The fear was evident in my eyes the second he saw me. I literally fell into his arms mustering the words "bomb, and I was right there". From that moment, my life changed.

Calling my daughter when i was back in the hotel was horrible. She hadn't quite heard what happened and trying to explain it when you can't even choke out words between your sobs is hard. To hear her cry and say you could have died breaks my heart. I wasn't there to hug her or comfort her or try to convince her I was ok. Having her so far away.
How do you digest this? How do you put your life back together? How long is that fear going to be present? I am trying to dig deep to find those answers, I come up empty handed every time.
I know one thing. I will not stop running, I won't let the person(s) who did this take that away from me.

things coming to an end?

Saturday March 23, 2013

The sun was shining, the wind calm. There was no alarm, and a warm cat in my bed. At the leisurely hour of 8:30 a.m. I finally got out of the cocoon I had made throughout the night. Some breakfast and coffee, oh the sweet, hot taste of coffee and a bit of procrastination. I double check the weather and gather my clothes, then have some more coffee and see whats happening on facebook. The hour is nearing 10 and i am still in pajamas.
I kick my butt into gear and I get dressed, ready for the journey that I am about to take and will not take for some time. it is bitter sweet. i have the directions, the gear, and the attitude so I head out.
The sun is bright, almost blinding but it's warm and the feeling is almost unfamiliar but oh so welcome. It is getting a bit hard to breathe due to the drainage my sinuses have so gratefully started to do. A quick farmer blow and the problem is gone. By now I am taking in the scenery and taking in the sights that are so familiar but today so different. The loneliness and sense of desertness that the landscape has is soothing and brings a smile to my face. It is not as though there is a longing but a peacefulness and life. It is warm enough with the sun to start to melt the snow and the creeks are flowing bringing the debris downstream.
My body is reacting to the surroundings and kicks it in. The animals around are playing and you can hear the birds singing. i am almost half way there and i feel stronger than ever thinking about what this day means and how much I need it. There is no going back, no giving up, just to keep going until the end. I think about what my day would be like without it and come to only one conclusion: useless.
I turn onto the road that I have been on almost everyday this week. I know each turn, each slight hill, but somehow with the sun shining on it, it looks different, happy perhaps. I am almost there and relish in the fact that this road had a part in it.
i contemplate my body and my strength. I have that split second to decide to take a short cut and take the easy way out. My will to not give up overpowers my weakness, I keep going. My attitude remains the same and even though the sun is weaning a bit the surroundings are not.
The home stretch and I am strong, almost at the point of not stopping. i can see the end and I am smiling knowing that I did not give up, making it to the end with a strong will.
even though today's journey is done, there will be others. they will not be in the near future but they will come soon enough and i will welcome them with open arms and fresh legs.
Goodbye for now my precious 20 miler.

8 weeks my friends

Sunday February 17

it's getting closer and closer to the big day. today was a long steady distance kinda day. real slow run. right around mile 7 i got a huge pain in my shin, like a shin splint. sucky especially since i had 10 more miles to go. i was feeling great with the sun shining and hardly any wind. a good run overall though.

yesterday i had my first race of the season, it was only a 5k but it was a race nonetheless. i had a goal time in mind like most of us do going into a race. I wanted to get under 20, but it was real cold with around a 12mph wind. I did PR with a 21:45 and 3rd in my AG. I got a sweet water bottle. the plan was to run my 8 after the race. that is about the distance from downtown to home ..... well we hung around too long and i cooled off too much, so we went home and I planned to run later at the gym.  I made chocolate instead. oops.

The new year is upon us

Saturday January 19, 2013

So tomorrow ends week 3 of training for Boston! The weather has been nice for the most part, not much snow and milder temps. Today was in the mid 40's, but tomorrow the high is 12. My miles for the ultra has helped me start at a higher weekly total and it's easier. the plan is to cut 15 minutes off my BQ which will put me at a 3:15. 15 minutes may not seem like alot, but if you are a runner you know that is a big deal especially on a challenging course such as Boston. Speedwork is going to my friend and enemy in the upcoming weeks.

i have also decided that I WILL run the Fall 50 again this year and with all that I know now, there are some changes that i will make and hopefully get better than last year. yes it was hard, yes i said i would never do it again, but there is something about the training that sucks you in and man if i did that well my FIRST time, then hell why can't i win this time! no way i would win, but one can dream!

I had set a goal for 2012 to run 2012 miles. I made that goal with 2039! my goal for 2013 is 2500 miles, with all the miles i will log for the 50, i should do ok, and this year i pretty much took off the months of November and December because i was doing the insanity program so i should have had a bigger total.

i have also started school. I am in a Baking and pastry art program at the local tech college. I get to bake everyday m-f. i have the uniform and a jacket with my name on it, so official! this gets me one step closer to opening my own shop, i come home and am so excited to bake, the ideas come(mostly while running).
with school i had to give up work for the next 6 months, i am working about 2 days a month now which is really hard since i have worked full time since i was 13!

my daughter is in a running program called Girls on the run. it is for girls in 3rd to 5th grades, they work on self-esteem, body image, peer pressure, and running. the running sort of comes in last in the scheme of things. They are looking for some new coaches so i have volunteered. i have also wanted to get the girls who are "too old" for the program and can't start school track or xc  doesn't start until 7th grade into a transitional program. i want them to be ready.

so off to rest and stretch.