The sun is shining on a dark time

A year ago this day started like every other, it was Monday so it was an off day from running. I am sure I slept in and drank a few cups of coffee before heading into the bakery for my shift.

I am on my way to lead the beginning running group for the Dreambank here in town when I got a phone call. My godfather is calling me, that's weird. I should probably answer because he doesn't call me, Ever.
  

This is the call I knew would come. I didn't know when, but I knew it would. I knew it would end like this. Of course I can't remember the exact words he said to me, but I am pretty sure they were "she's gone." There needed to be no pre-text, I knew who and I knew how.        My mom was dead.

Addiction is real kids. She struggled her entire life. We had a brief few years when I was young where life was good, she wasn't using (or least not much), we went on vacations, she held a great job, we ate healthy, we actually weren't dirt poor, I remember being happy.

Like the cycle of addiction is, that didn't last. See my Dad is an alcoholic and drug addict as well, he however has about 27 years clean and works every day to stay sober. You can imagine how hard it was for him too. Being a mother of a teenager myself, it's rough. I know I wasn't the most pleasant daughter back then, but then having to become the parent puts a great deal of stress on a young person. I grew up real fast and have mastered the art of compartmentalization. 

No one will understand what that time in my life was like, and the one person who came close other than my siblings also passed away last year 5 months later.  I made a promise to myself that I would never make my children feel the way I felt during that time.

After I became a mother, yes I was young. 19 years old is too young in my opinion to have a baby, but I did it. You see, I have no choice. I take what life throws at me and clean it up. Sometimes I seem to make no progress, but in the end it stays clean at least for a little bit. My mom seemed to be stuck in a roundabout. She was able to be clean for a few years, then relapse, get clean, then use. When my daughter was about 3 I told my mom at her graduation out of another half way house program that this was the last time. If she relapsed again, we were done. I had to protect my daughter.

So for the next 8+ years we had an almost non-existent relationship. It did get to the point where I could be in the same room with her at holidays, but there wasn't much more than that. My sister tried really hard to keep contact but got fucked over too many times. My brother, the baby, always tried. They talked on the phone, he tried.

So you can see when I got this call a year ago today pulling into the parking lot to teach a bunch of runners, the surprise I had. Not at the call, but at my reaction to the call. I lost it. Shock that it finally happened, shock that I was having such a visceral reaction. But hey, you know what? That skill I have to tuck things away came in real handy that day. A smile was plastered and we went on like nothing happened.

Come to find out when I got that call, I was the third person to know. My aunt was literally in my moms apartment with her, she called my godfather and he called me. So now as the oldest I had to call my siblings. You can guess how that went.

By Friday we were having a service in Illinois. My siblings and I blared Carole King and everyone wore purple. I met so many people who knew me. Even though my mom wasn't 19 when she had me she was still a single mom. You rely on your friends and family to help out, so I spent my early years with essentially strangers to me.
 

Grief is a serious B. My reaction to her death has been very foreign to me. I am the strong one. I hold everyone else together. I am not the one who needs hand holding. I have been angry and relieved at the same time. It has followed me. My running suffered initially, every run was accompanied by overwhelming anxiety that seemed to come from nowhere. Lately its been more and more pronounced. Maybe because I knew the anniversary was coming, or because lilacs are in bloom and they were her favorite. Maybe with the death of my friend, maybe with the loss of my marriage.

My mom loved pictures, she took them all the time. So one of the things I now have are bins and bins of them. Not until about 2 weeks ago could I go through them. Let me tell you the 90's were not as cool as all the kids these days think they were!
But she was cool, my sister and I both said we probably would have been friends with her. My dad has a saying "I was cool before you were born."
Also being the first born there are about a gazillion pictures of me. The ones here I had never seen until the day of the service.

Her ashes sit on my bathroom floor waiting to be let free in the Wisconsin River per her request. Even though I was possibly cruel to her when I cut her off, I was doing what was right for me at the time. But I respect her enough to not put them in a storage unit to be forgotten.

My neighbors at the time gifted me a magnolia tree to be planted in her honor. Of course the flowers are purple.

All the running things!

Wowza,

What a whirlwind few months!! First news is becoming a Timex athlete. I am honored to be their first branch outside of triathalons and into running.

In early march I was fortunate to attend their annual training camp and meet my teammates in Tuscon, AZ. What a great experience being around like minded athletes and training alongside such people for days on end.

I then came home to host my own training camp in Northern WI. More on that in another post.

Registration for the MadCity 100K closed on March 30th, i think I officially signed up 2 days before it closed. I had been training for the race, I was just not mentally ready to succumb to 20-5K loops yet. I had a hard time wrapping my head around 10-10K loops when it was held in the arb, now 20 loops?!? Also it is a National Championship race so that means no music either.

About 3 days before the race I developed a chest cough, i was worried because the weather forecast called for lots of wind and cold temps. Great, a recipe for pneumonia. A plan was made to be positive and tackle it head on and do whatever we could to keep it at bay.

Night before a race I always have fish for dinner. We went to a place I have never been, a local place. Worth the 30 minute wait and hit the spot. I was in bed by 10:30 with all the things packed and laid out. I think i was the most laid back about going into this race than I have in the past for many reasons.
~I felt my training was sub par, I have really not been the same with my running since after Wasatch.
~In feeling the lack in my training, I had little expectations for a high placing finish. I had a lofty time goal, but realistic in the approach that it might not really be possible.
~I am in a better mental state in the other aspects of my life. I am happy. I am supported and encouraged.
~I don't feel as much external pressure surrounding a race in general.

I slept well and got up ready to race at 5am. I realized i had no yogurt for my normal breakfast, but then remembered my Picky Bars oatmeal. Done. Prepared that to go. Weather was 14 degrees, but with a real feel of 6 with the windchill. Awesome. There is no cover on the course, so mentally prepped for a windy day.


Got there with plenty of time to set up my aid station and gather my chip. Chatted pre-race with John and wished him luck. Here we go, race time.

I knew there were some big names out of the 25 people who were registered for the race. Not only is it a national Championship race, it is a world team qualifier also. It was expected to be fast and flat.

And we are off, I am in the lead pack of women and sitting comfortably. Going into the race I had a plan to go out around 8/8:20 min mile. To stop each lap for water and eat every other lap, alternating with salt and AltRed. I was lucky enough to have Nick there to be my crew at least for the first 2 hours. You never would have known that he was new to this. What a natural. Thank you so much for your support before, during, and after the race!

Those first two loops were too fast, but didn't feel like it. I also knew that I was only 6 miles into a 62 miles race, so everything feels good at the beginning. After I stopped to fuel the first time, I knew I should slow down and pulled back from the group. It was really hard to stay warm also. You ran into the wind directly or had a cross wind for majority of the course. You had it at your back just long enough to thaw out.

I remember thinking during loop 3 that I had 17 more loops, that seemed so daunting and impossible. Even though I have run this race in the past, it has been a few years and I have been doing mountain 100 milers. Quite the difference and much more walking in those.

Nick had to leave after the fifth loop, leaving me with no crew. Which was good practice. The next race will be a solo effort with no crew or pacer. Going into the race i was worried about forgetting what loop I was on, and thought about marking the laps completed on my arm. Well the only skin exposed was my face, and that wouldn't help me much. To my pleasant surprise they announced the lap you finished as you crossed the start/finish. Whew!

It was about loop 8 where I was feeling some cramping and knew I needed to start with the salt. My cough was starting to bother me. I didn't really cough much because it hurt my chest really bad and I was worried about the rattle I was feeling, so I didn't breathe deep. I remember having an internal conversation with myself that if I needed to make the smart decision to drop due to health it was ok. I also made a deal with myself that i needed to make it through 10 loops, halfway before I made any decisions. I decided to up the salt and take some tylenol and wait. Right about here my training buddy Cody made an appearance on the course. Thanks for the encouragement friend! I got to 10 loops, then told myself to get through 12.

In my 14th loop I finally saw Hannah heading into the finish of her first 50K, I got a little kick and started to feel a bit better. Coming into my little aid station set up, i see Hannah, her parents, and Nicks mom. I am elated to see people I know and to see her finish a huge goal. She had a killer race, second woman overall and first WI woman! We embraced and cried happy tears, I could have shared that moment for the rest of the day, but I had 22 more miles to run. I tried eating some of the food I planned on eating, but it was frozen and I immediately spit it out. Seeing everyone gave me a second wind, I ended up running a stellar loop with fellow runner Denise who was being crewed by a friend of mine from Cottage Grove.

So now I am at the point where I am 15 loops in, 5 loops left is nothing. Hannah said she was coming back to see me finish, so i had that to look forward to. I think she showed up with about 3 loops to go, I was back to struggling a little, I peed for the first time on the loop previous and my pee was not supposed to be that color, so I was freaking out a bit. I happen to see John at that point. He had dropped earlier and had come back to see me finish. I decided to drink more water and walk if I needed to, unfortunately walkign hurt my right leg. I have had a nagging IT band thing for the past 6 months, and i was feeling it from the top of my hip all the way down when i walked. In talking with Hannah on the course I knew that I just needed to finish, I would hit a PR, I would be in the top 5, and I wasn't really in that bad of shape.

Coming into my aid station on my last eating loop, lucky number 18. I hear and see my friend Kelly running towards where Hannah is stationed. Holy cow was I excited to see her! Two loops left, two loops left!

I am rounding the corner to enter the park to start my last loop and I see a woman a fair distance ahead of me walking. I was ahead of her the whole race, but I thought she had dropped because I hadn't seen her on the course for awhile. I made it my first mission to catch her because I didn't know what loop she was on, and I wasn't going to risk a place when it was that close. Second mission: when i crossed the start/finish I noticed the clock said 9:38, my original goal was a 9 hour finish, obviously that wasn't happening but I'd be damned if I was going to finish over 10 hours. At this point it was taking about 30ish minutes per loop, I covered that last loop 6 minutes faster finishing in 9:55:09. Shocked to have placed 4th.

~I PR'd my 50K by 18 minutes
~I PR'd my 50 mile by 17 minutes
~I PR'd my 100K by 45 minutes

So even though I didn't hit my overall time goal(which I knew was aggressive), I ran faster. I ran more confident, I ran more consistent. I had less stress about racing. I had people show up, show up in the ways that mattered the most. I regained some of the mental toughness I thought I had lost.

Thank you to Team Timex for having my back literally and great to represent by bringing in some hardware, AltRed( who was the cause of my abnormal pee color, it's beets folks. I should have know), Dermatone for keeping my face protected from the sun, cold, and wind. Yumbutter for providing after race fuel.

Special thanks to Kelly for showing up and making delicious donuts and graciously sharing them with me. Hannah Banana my boo, you are the best. Thank you for being there when I needed you, and maybe even when I said I didn't. To Nick, who jumped in with both feet and excitedly provided unwavering support throughout all of it. I appreciate it and you.
Being a coach is just as much for me as it is for my clients, this showed when John who had a rough day for his own race, came back to watch me finish and listened when I doubted myself. Thank you.

The Birthday That Wasn't

Something that we all wish for is to have some alone time. Is this something that we truly crave? Do we want to be alone?
Being alone is scary, its uncomfortable. It can also be liberating and empowering.

At what point does that magical transition take place that takes loneliness and turns into liberation? Or is it from Empowerment to scared?

Is being alone even really possible? Can we be truly alone with friends presents, kids near, and pets dependent?

Alone in the sense of the word of not having a companion/partner to share your morning coffee, to bring you kleenex when sick, to having eyes light up when you get fancy, to offer a hug in moments of sadness.

Those are the things that we crave when feeling alone. In these feelings we forget the other things that come with the package. The things that caused the alone time in the first place.

There are certain times in our lives where being alone seems to hit home harder than others.
Holidays, Anniversaries, Birthdays.

Sometimes when a milestone day comes around it is easy to wallow, look at the past, cry. All while knowing that good things are on the horizon but the horizon is dark and far away, so the loneliness rears its head and gives you the old fashioned stare down.

So what do we do? Do we let it win? Do we conform to the world of social media and swipe our loneliness away? Do we take that precious time alone and do something? Do something selfish, something just for our-selves. Enjoy being you. Get to know yourself before you forget that there was a time you wished you could be alone.

Taking life for granted, Grant me the serenity.....

Not a running post per say.

From a young age I knew I wouldn't have it easy. I knew I'd have to fight for what I wanted. This has mostly served me well. When your parents have friends who have kids your age, you become friends. Sometime in middle or elementary school I made such a friend.

I have never been a girls girl. Most of my friends were boys. I was a tomboy, I liked getting dirty, being outside, playing contact sports. This new friend of mine was perfect. He had this fire inside, a hot temper but a kind heart. He was not afraid to play rough because I was a girl. 

Like most female/male relationships, things change as hormones rage and friends start dating each other. We never dated, I don't think even kissed. We did fool around in that exploratory, I don't know what I'm doing kind of way.  He was an asshole in the brother kind of way. Very opinionated and not afraid to speak his mind.

There are many memories, but a few that stick out:
He and I were left in charge babysitting my sister, my brother, his brother, and his 2 sisters. It was summer and we had been outside most of the night. All of sudden the biggest tree in the yard was legit on fire. Not a smolder, but full on fire. We had an assembly line of water and hoses. We ended up having to call his mom, and the fire department. The tree was a total loss. Come to find out his brother had thrown a sparkler into a hole in the tree, he thought it was out. I don't think we babysat after that.
Sometime in 7th or 8th grade we played with an Ouiji board. It said we would both die at 16 together. Both of us almost doubled that. We also made a pact that if we were 30 and unmarried, we would just marry each other. Because 30 was sooo old!
A much more recent memory about 8 years ago. I went to visit him in LaCrosse with my daughter, he was still recovering from a bad accident he had and still was not cleared to drive or be on his own at night. He took us on a tour of the yearly Christmas lights in the park and we went to a movie. Amelia was enthraled by him! I remember him being so happy, so happy he had lived, so happy he had a second chance. I mean he was also pissed, pissed at himself for his failing memory, But he wouldn't be Matt without it.

We stayed in contact here and there talking where we left off every time. He was so proud to be living a sober life and when I stopped drinking he was more than proud. See, he was there back in the day, when life was tough. It was tough for the both of us, maybe that's why we stuck together. We knew the alternative.

Most recently. Outside of immediate family he was the first person I called when my mom died. Knowing she died the way I always knew she would, didn't make it any easier. He answered my call while at work, without a hiccup. He let me grieve, he knew the pain. We talked almost weekly since then, a quick message here and there checking in with each other. It's been 5 months.

This friend of mine who had a heart of gold and a wicked temper. This friend of mine of cheated death and had to literally start his life over. This friend of mine who spent his days traveling and helping others. This friend of mine died in his sleep on Friday. No drugs, no alcohol. A fucking sleep disorder. That's what gets him, are you serious?

Here's the thing, I couldn't even grieve. Not yet. See, when you are the owner of your own business, a mother, people count on you. I don't have the time to be sad. I couldn't let this get to me just yet. I had to be upbeat and cheer for my clients who have worked so hard to meet these goals. This wasn't their problem. I have become really good at compartmentalizing my feelings. I'll have a good cry, and I'll tuck it away in the corner of my mind where the painful feelings are and lock the door.

My dear friend Matt Welacha, I'll say a Serenity prayer for you.

Wasatch 100 recap

You must know by now that I completed this hard and unforgiving race. Before the race started I was baffled about the challenging course, knowing there was no qualifier to enter and why someone would choose this course as their first 100 miler. I met quite a few of those people out there.

The week leading up to the race I found myself scrambling for pacers. I had one nailed down, but I knew I could have at least 2 more and I knew by looking at the course I would need them. I posted on social media, my pacer posted also. A couple leads came in, but timing didn't work out. Finally, I got one and made plans to meet ahead of time to go over my expectations and what i would need from her.

I went into the Wasatch100 confident. I felt recovered from Vermont, about 7 weeks prior. We flew to Utah within the 48 hour altitude window, and i got to sleep in a real bed. Wednesday night upon arriving in Salt Lake, we met up with Valorie my pacer for the last 33ish miles. She came recommended by a friend of a friend, and boy was I glad. She has volunteered and paced this course before so having her in my arsenal was awesome. Roger and her made plans for him to pick her up, I tried not to listen because my job was to run.

We then drive to Park City to stay with my dear friend Liz and her family. How crazy that less than a year ago, I hadn't even met her yet. Thank you Kara Goucher Podium Retreat for creating some pretty great friendships! She grocery shopped for us, fed us, and we even got our dog fix! Leaving Roubaix at home was hard. He is my race companion, but the strict rule and a $1,100 ticket for having a dog on course was enough of a deterrent to leave him home. The two labs at the house made it more bearable!

Thursday morning I met with my other pacer who also thank you to the power of social media, I found. Her Instagram account is pretty famous, and she is just as great in person. She was planned to pace me from Lambs Canyon to Brighton where I would then meet Valorie. Locked, loaded and plans made for the meet up with Roger. We go back to the house and pack my drop bags. There are 8 drop bag locations, and only 3 area where my crew(Roger) could reach me. Needless to say I would be relying on the drop bags heavily. Took a hard hour and a half nap before we needed to leave for the meeting. The race meeting was at 4pm, and lasted about 9 minutes. Dry, Hot, and Smoky was what stuck with me the most. What a great race day description. We met up with the only other person from WI racing, Guy. Wished each other good luck and hope to see each other at the finish.

Liz was amazing and made salmon and homemade sweet potato fries for dinner, then I went off to bed about 7:30pm. We had a 2:15am wake up call for a 5am start. I slept hard for about 2 hours, and was in and out for the rest of the night. I am usually a hard sleeper, but I think I was afraid to miss the alarm. Breakfast consisted of 8 pieces of bacon and a yogurt for the road that I would eat right before the start.

I slept the 45 minute drive to the start, bathroomed once, and ate my yogurt. It was go time. I had been afraid of this course since Vermont. I knew that within the first 5 miles that we would be climbing for 4.5 miles with 4,300ft of elevation. Remember I live in Wisconsin, I don't see that kind of climbing, ever.
The word go, and I am in the middle of the pack, knowing that this upcoming climb would be slow going for me and with the race being almost entirely single track, I didn't want to hold anyone up. Roger was there, telling me that I could do it and got the start on video. I don't remember a ton about the course in that first section. I was about 65 degrees at the start, there were a few creek crossings, some nice cold air pockets. Then we started climbing, I was pushing it. I felt anaerobic, I was dizzy. I found myself moving off the trail to let people pass and then hurl in the bushes. I did this way too many times to count. I could tell from the get-go that I had no legs. That was the biggest blow, I knew i was strong climber, where are my legs!?!? I have never thrown up in race like this. It wasn't my stomach, it was my head. I think it was the altitude, because I could still eat, and i was trying hard to get calories because I knew it would only get worse if I couldn't fuel. I could climb for about 10-15ft before I was out of breath and needing to stop.

It was 12 miles to the first aid, which was only a water stop. I was questioning everything. It was 4 more miles to the next real aid station: Bountiful B. I knew I was behind schedule. I sat, ate multiple Otter pops(this was my aha moment of otter pops). I have heard many stories about them, not knowing what they were. They are freezies folks! Here in the Midwest they are called freeze pops. i had at least 2, watermelon, cantaloupe, grapes. I was there for 15 minutes wanting to quit. I decided I would get to Roger.

After a pee break in the woods I started chatting with another runner, who just so happened to be named Guy(a different one). He was a race vet, doing this for his 9th finish. This is a runner I needed to stick with, I was whining about how I wanted to quit, i wanted to drop. He told me he wasn't going to let me, lets just get to the aid station. When we got there, I called Roger. I explained that I fell hard, I was throwing up, and defeated. He was happy to hear from me as i was over hour and a half behind my 28 hour goal. Just get to Big Mountain he said. It will be better when I can see you and help you. He assured me that i didn't want to quit.

Guy and I left together, with him knowing the course, he gave me play by play of each section between aid. He would stop and point into the horizon and say "see that little line on that ridge, that's where we are going." Oddly enough, breaking it up into sections like that helped. We climbed the inclines at a Steady Eddy pace, we ran the flats and downhills. We talked about our kids, our jobs, our lives. I cried. i explained how frustrated i was with myself, that I was letting my mind get to me. I pride myself in being strong and today i was not. He was my trail angel. I know I never would have made it without him. He stated again, he wouldn't let me quit and lets just get to the next aid station.

Swallow Rocks was next, I don't really remember it. I do remember that when we would traverse the ridgelines the wind was glorious. It was hot and no clouds. I was constantly spitting water on my arms and onto my neck buff. The cold air mixed with the wind cooled me off tremendously. I didn't want an actual ice bandanna, I learned my lesson from Vermont. The ice melts and then you chafe. The wind blew most of the smoke away, but it was still very dry and very dusty.

The Big Mt. aid station was about 32 miles in and the first spot you could have a pacer. I wasn't getting one until Lambs at 45ish miles. I asked Guy if I could leach on his pacer with him. i got there at about 3:20pm, according to my targeted pace I should have been there by 1pm. It had been over 10 hours since the start. I knew i was behind on calories. i downed about 3 applesauces, one ice cream sandwich, countless amounts of watermelon and cantaloupe, ramen, and gingersnaps. Roger changed my socks and shoes, lubed my feet with Brave Soldier and baby powder. He told me this next section to Lambs was flatter and that I should change into my race flats. He told me Tara was on her way. She was coming there, and not waiting until Lambs. I left with Guy and his pacer, not knowing how far we would go until Tara caught us. 2 miles, that was it.

I said goodbye to Guy an told him I'd see him at the finish. I still didn't believe it though. We were off, she pushed me. They were right that this section was flatter and faster. We passed people, never got passed. I think there was some laughing and few smiles. The things you talk about while trying to occupy your mind from the pain and hurt. Tara is from the area and people would recognize her or vice versa, that was fun to see. Alexander Ridge aid was a bit of a blur, except I think that is one where they were all wearing tutus?  A few times out of nowhere,"I've got gas in the tank and money in the bank" would be shouted with arms up by Tara. My response was something like, I am glad you do!

We arrive at Lambs, clearly behind schedule. i knew I wasn't going to make that time up. so to finish was the goal, well still not even at that point. I was convinced i would drop at Brighton. I met the aid station fairy, who was a friend of Taras and volunteered with Valorie. Missy, my sweet Missy. She fed me she made me laugh, she told me a lovely story about a trip to Wisconsin she made as a child that involved a Lincoln town car with air conditioning and orange crush. She was a breath of fresh air. Roger changed my shoes again, back to the altras. i ate more ramen. Then we took on the 2 mile climb on the road. I slowed here, once we got onto the single track trail up, i seemed to hit every rock with my sore foot.

Upper Big Water, I grabbed a jacket. It was cold there, you are in a bowl of cold air. But, don't fear there is an awesome steep climb right out of there that will warm you up. i remember telling someone as i was sitting down that I was planning to drop at Brighton, Tara heard this. Nope. They say just wait til it gets light again. Don't make rash decisions in the dark. I know.

The only thing I remember about Desolation Lake was the moose. We were maybe a mile from the aid when Tara stops in her tracks and points out a huge moose. It sees us and starts walking towards us. We hide in the trees and stop the people behind us. We form a conga line and ran past quick. Not today moose, not today.

The next aid I remember is Scotts peak. This is the last aid before Brighton. It was a steep climb up to 9882 ft. I was so windy and cold up there. They had lights and were cheery. They had peaches and fig newtons! We knew it was all downhill to Brighton. We made an insta story, we laughed at how we kept trying too cover our lights to be seen in the video, but then couldn't see while running. We get to the road almost to the lodge and i hear some rustling in the grass next to us, sure as shit there is another Moose, bigger than the last, just chomping away.

We get into Brighton, where you go inside the lodge. Roger is ready. Valorie is ready. I'm not ready. I know there is the last big climb almost immediately out of there. I was so done climbing. I sit, take my pack off, and to my left my aid station angel appears with an egg and cheese sandwich. What? Where did you come from? I ate it of course, sans bread. I had multiple hash browns, applesauce, ramen. Coffee with creamer or milk. I don't really know. Roger again with the socks. Oddly enough I was in and out in under 20 minutes. At 3:24am we left with about 30 miles to go.

Coming out of Brighton, I had to tell Valorie that the uphills were slow, like really slow for me. It was like climbing out of a boulder field! You were climbing using your hands over big rocks. I started to feel weird. I told her that I was having a hard time focusing. I have seen this in other runners, I have not however experienced this before. i was sleep running. It's a thing. I would got a few paces and not know how I got there. It was very stressful because it was very rocky and if you fell, you'd be done. At the top of this climb was also the highest point on the course at about 10,500 ft. Maybe that had something to do with it, because by the time we got to Pole line I was feeling better.

Pole line I had a blister forming on my big right toe, so they lanced it. I drank coffee, took a bunch of cheese quesadillas to go. Valorie took off her cold weather gear and left it in my drop bag. It was starting to get light. The guy who lanced my blister told us it was 10 miles to the next bigger aid station. We thought that was Stanton, where the next drop bags were. First it was a climb then traverse to a water stop in 5 miles. We left at about 6:45am. This section was very sandy and we had to stop a few times to empty our shoes of tiny rocks. i remember repeating in my mind that we were just past the 75 mile mark, that i couldn't quit now. By the time we got to the drop bags it would be 85 and the last 15 miles were all downhill.

The water stop was strange. I had a powdered tomato soup and some cheese quesadillas. We met a man who had been sitting there since 2 am, it was now 8am. He was going to drop. They said when he came in, he was top 15. Valorie needed a bathroom, in the mountains, you get a toilet seat on a bucket. Somewhere around here we got to see the sun rise and hit the top of the mountains. I got to glimpse Timp, the highest point in Utah. It was beautiful. It made this suffering worth it.

We knew it was little over 6 miles to the next aid station. We ran into a woman that Valorie recognized. She was in rough shape, throwing up and VERY swollen. She hadn't taken any salt the whole race, i offered her mine and some Stinger waffles, and applesauce. I knew i had more food in my bag at the next aid.

After passing them and dealing with what seemed like a forever section, I was breaking. My feet were hurting so bad. The issue that has plagued me in every 100, "tender foot," was back. With all the super steep, rocky downhill I was putting extra pressure to brake on my heels. I thought by changing shoes to Altra with more padding, I could eliminate the issue. I was so wrong. I was getting desperate, I even voiced it out loud to Valorie and started to choke some tears down. i was losing the glimmer of hope that I had just seemed to gain. Then, I see it. The tents of the aid station. I start letting the tears of relief appear. We get in and Valorie tells me that this isn't the drop bag station. My hope of changing socks and getting some respite for my feet was gone. I lose it, straight bawling now. I also have more blisters on my right heel, which a very nice man lances while I chase Advil with chocolate milk. Another aid station man, asks if i want to know what is coming. Yes, just tell me. It's a straight uphill climb for 2 miles then a nice downhill into Stanton. I start crying harder at the thought of climbing again. 15 miles to go. We took off my socks and Valorie rubbed my dirty feet, I got sunscreen sprayed all over, and tiger balm rubbed on my calves. Pot Hollow was kind, but ruthless. They took care of you but told you to suck it up and get going. Less than 5 miles to Stanton.

For a drop bag station, Stanton seemed small. I told Valorie that we should get in and out. To my dismay, I had stupid wool, colder weather socks in my fucking bag. So once again, no socks. I took them off, Valorie rubbed them again. I grabbed food and changed my shirt. We got word that Roger would be at the 91 mile mark waiting for us. Valorie and Tara talked about dropping any unnecessary weight with Roger there. jacket, light, etc. I was out of salt. My hands were so swollen. It was downhill and i couldn't run. My body was good other than the bottoms of my feet. 8 miles.

Climb the wall, descend into a gully of steep sections filled with sand and rocks. Coming into Decker Aid(the last), Guy appears. Surprised, but happy to see i was still in it, he passes us. We spend 1 minute here. For the next few miles we are maneuvering around cow pies while descending on a trail that didn't seem to exist. We almost had to bushwhack the trees. But they were beautiful, a shade of red that didn't seem real.

The last 4 miles seemed to take forever, mostly because i couldn't run, I tried. I was altering my gait so much that i knew that if I continued, I would cause some serious damage. We walked, watching people pass us and time click by. When you come out of the trail and onto the road you take a left onto a County HWY. You can hear the finish, you can see the finish. We are still walking. A guy comes up behind us. It's the guy from the water stop who was going to DNF, they convinced him not to. We round the last corner and I run the last 10-15ft, visibly in pain. I did it. Fuck 33:51:41. 5 hours after i wanted to finish.

I can't believe it. i have never wanted to quit a race. I have never doubted my ability to that extent. i knew though that if i quit because it was hard, I would never forgive myself. The weight of a DNF, lasts forever. I enter these races to find my breaking point, digging for the thing that will cut me down. Wasatch, you came close. I kept saying toward the end that i needed to finish it so I never had to come back. Now i don't HAVE to, but do i WANT to?

Special thanks to Roger my rock. His crewing skills got complimented many times throughout this race. Not many people show up to a race across the country with a 1 man crew who can run circles around a group. He listened when i wanted to quit, he fed me salt and ramen when i didn't want it. He hugged me and believed in me. i take this all for granted in the moment and complain a little about the videos and picture taking. But, i sure am glad he doesn't listen to me, because those are priceless.

To Liz, Chris, Reese, and Ella. Thank you for opening your home to us. Providing a safe and comfortable place to rest and call home. Thank you for your support and encouragement the entire time. Thank you for making me feel like a rockstar even though I felt less than.

Tara: Whew, girl. I was running a race a in February when the names got chosen for Wasatch. I had won the 50K and was greeted with an instagram message from her saying I got picked! I then immediately asked if she wanted to pace. In June she finds out she has a broken femur and her pacing duties may be finished before they even start. August, we got the go ahead. Thank you for meeting me earlier than anticipated and running an extra 14 miles to the 22 you had already planned to run. thank you for pushing me past a place i didn't think I could go. Thank you for knowing I could do this when I was doubtful. The image of your injin reflective socks and the reflective pieces on your pack looking like a cat are forever burned into my memory.

Valorie: It takes a pretty brave person to say yes to pacing a complete stranger. Pacing a section of the course that you have not paced yet. Thank you for letting me lose it without letting me give up hope. Thank you for making me see the beauty in the darkness. Thank you for rubbing my dirty feet multiple times. Thank you for getting me across the line that I couldn't envision alone.

Guy, not the other Guy: What can i say. I truly believe if i hadn't met you on the trail, I would be nursing much deeper wounds. You took me under your wing. You set aside how shitty you were feeling to lift me up. i think you threw up more than I did. i cried more, so maybe we are even. I can't express the gratitude i have for your help. 17 miles doesn't seem like alot of miles, but those hours I will never forget. Thank you.

Coach Tommy: Thanks for the pre-race chat. It helped me get centered and focused beforehand. I know most of it went out the window early on, but it helped. Reminding me about altitude and breathing and to take to slow and smart. Knowing you were watching and following even though you were flying to another country.

To all the people following along and commenting on social media: Thank you. At a particularly low point Tara pulled her phone out and read aloud the comments. yes, I cried. Happy tears, tears of fear. I didn't want to let anyone down. it really meant alot to know that people back home were watching.

Vermont 100 recap

What a ride. July 15-16 the Vermont 100 miler. Finishing in 23:41:47 earning the big buckle. A sub 24 hour finish was my B goal.

Back up a bit. The previous weekend is when the whirlwind trip started. I first got up well before the sun and headed to a local race where I had 9 clients racing. It was amazing to watch them in the distances from the 1/2 marathon to the 50K all on the trail. I ran the 50 mile at this race last year as a tune-up and practice race with my pacer for Leadville. A little part of me wanted to be racing, but knowing that in a few hours we would be in a car driving across the country, would probably be a bad idea.


We left around 5pm Saturday. Stopped along the way in Indiana, I think. We then stayed at a state park near Lake Erie the next night. We were so close to Niagara Falls that we decided to make the trip. We had my 13 year old daughter with us and she had never seen it. It was pretty cool to walk right out to the Horseshoe Falls on the USA side.

We arrive in Vermont late night Monday and set up camp in the dark. Oh did I mention that we camped the whole time?! We stayed at Mt. Ascutney State Park, which was only about 30 min away from the race start/finish. We decided to climb the mountain on Tuesday, that was as close to race day that I wanted to do any hard effort running. It was 4.5 miles to the summit and almost 3,000ft of elevation, Roubaix and I took 2.5 hours I think to get to the top. The view was worth it though.

My quads were sore until Friday though from the downhill. It was so steep that you couldn't even walk it. I should have realized that this is Vermont and it was a preview to what was coming.

Friday, the day before. I went to the start/finish area at 10am to check in and pick up my race bib and get weighed. 11am my girls come to camp to talk race strategy. Laurie my dear friend from Florida made to the trip up to crew. She is a masters track athlete, so the world of trail ultras are another scene. My bestest Jana came from Minnesota to pace me the last 30 miles of the course. That is the earliest point in which they let the pacers join. I had packed my drop bags the night before, showing them which ones i wanted where was key.

We planned for the next morning, they left and I went to sleep. When you plan to be out running for 24+ hours, getting adequate sleep days leading into it are crucial. I woke up around 3pm and we left for the pre-race meeting where i ate the best ice cream waffle cone. Met up with the girls and listened to all the elements for race day. Vermont 100 is the first race in ultra running to have an adaptive category. At least two visually impaired runners were entered into the 100 miler, and at least one physically impaired runner. How amazing! p.s. both the visually impaired runners finished! There is also a endurance horse race that happens simultaneously. They prepped us on how to approach a horse and how to run with them.

Saturday morning 2am=wake up call. I wanted to be at the start around 3am for the 4am start time. Yogurt and coffee in the car on the way to the race. Check in again, go to the bathroom, wait. 

4am hits and we are off, I had to fight the urge to be out front and stay there. I knew I had a long day ahead of me and I needed to play it safe. We started with a big downhill, not that different from the hill I ran a few days before. 

Pace felt great, climbs were easier than I thought, because I was having trouble engaging my glutes leading up to the race. These miles went by fast. I ran most of it with a guy named Andrew who recognized my Concept 2 hat.  You may have noticed me wearing this hat at many races. It's my lucky trail hat. This company is based in Vermont, it was a great conversation starter. I felt a bit hesitant wearing it not wanting it to be equivalent to the guy wearing the band t-shirt to the concert. Decided it was a state pride thing.

The plan was to meet at the first crew accessible aid station which was 21.3 miles in called Pretty House. My estimated time to arrive was 8:38-9am. I got there at 7:45am, needless to say my crew was not there. I always drop bags even if Roger is there. You never know if something hinders them from showing up, you could be left without your gear. For this race i went against my usual and did NOT drop bags. I was in great spirits, feeling good. I shoved some loose fig newtons in my pack and told some other spectators that if people came in looking for #56 I was going to go to the bathroom and then head out. They caught me just as i was about to leave. I wasted 10 minutes.

I would see them again in 9 miles at Stage Road. What happened in those 9 miles, I don't think I could remember even if it was the day after. Uneventful i guess. I think this when we went through the meadow. The dreaded meadow. It was humid and overcast most of the day, but why did the sun come out just as we were coming through the meadow?! I hate it. I was already fantasizing about jumping in a body of water. I think I lost my shoe in super deep sucky mud in this stretch too.

I grabbed an ice bandana when I saw my crew again. I changed socks and shoes. It would be another 16ish miles before seeing them again at Camp 10 Bear the first time. There are, however, aid stations about every 4 miles with water and food, your crew just can't access them.

Those next 11ish miles to the Maragaritaville aid station was a bit brutal. A tad over 50 miles in and my knee was starting to hurt. My knee cap moves when my quads get tight. Remember when I said the downhills were steep?

I was being stubborn, me I know, shocking. I didn't want to take Advil or Tylenol fearing I would upset my stomach. Which looking back I think is a bunch of bs. I have pretty much an iron stomach, It doesn't get upset, I just don't want certain foods at a particular point. We all get there. As an ultra-runner I enjoy the pain, invite it even. Will I be a sell-out if I take the Advil and dull that pain that I am inadvertently searching for?

I hit a wall, the wheels came off, I crashed from the sugar that I normally never eat and the Popsicles that were delicious. Whatever you want to call it, it happened there. All I wanted to do was sit for a bit. I had come to the realization that all the time I built up running faster than a sub 22 was gone. I think I was dealing with that too. Time goals are tough to let go of. I guess somewhere inside feeling that my A goal was now out of reach, why not make that gap even bigger. I sat for maybe 15 minutes, while my shoes got changed, lube was applied, pack was refilled, food was packed. My crew got me up out of that chair and on my way again with a more padded shoe.              I took the Advil.

It was another 11ish miles to Camp 10 Bear again to pick up Jana. Changing into the Hoka tracer helped my sore feet, it prevented them from getting worse. I had some serious chafing on my inner thighs that was caused by the ice bandanna melting and soaking my shirt and shorts. So that was awesome. I tried 3 different lubes. The one from a stranger that you had to apply with a glove and had a creepy baby on the package did the trick.
I went from eating salted watermelon to picking the meat and cheese out of pre-made sandwiches and ditching the bread. Ramen and coconut water at every aid station. I knew I was slowing, The thought of never finishing didn't cross my mind. That is not an option, WHEN I crossed that line was now in question.
More chatting with strangers and mindless miles passed by just waiting until I can grab Jana.

Picking up Jana at mile 69.4 in the daylight was great. However, we started out kinda rough. As soon as you leave Camp 10 Bear the last time you get to so graciously climb for the next 2 miles. I was already feeling worn down, I had a fresh braid from my daughter, a foot rub, and some new fuel but I wasn't back yet. Add the climb.

We had less than 7 miles to get to the next crew spot, so that meant there was at least one aid station in-between. Jana was a breathe of fresh air and she was trying really hard to put some wind back in my sails. She was fresh, fresh legs, fresh eyes, and a fresh attitude. She was seeing this amazing countryside for the first time, she was running with the horses for the first time. In some way I took that all for granted. I had been out there for 15 hours already, I had seen most of it. How that all must have looked to new eyes!

The next aid station was a blur and much of the same, a change of socks but not shoes. We were in and out quick. 12 more miles. I was feeling better, the night came and it was beautiful! I made Jana turn off her lamp and stop to look at the stars. With zero light pollution and a perfectly clear night, you could see everything. I haven't seen the milky way lit up like that in a long time. The course was also marked with green glow sticks hanging from the trees to show you that you were on the right path. These were coined 'fairy lights' by Jana. Pretty sure this is the leg I pooped in a field. I got blinded many a time by the knuckle lights that Jana kept swinging around.

We get to Bills, the second to last aid station. I got soup and ramen. I was feeling good. I got a nice foot rub, changing socks for the last time. We were so close only 7 miles to the next one and then 5 to the finish. Home stretch, we got this.

      Also Jana was sweating so much she had to change clothes here. I don't get it, I had been in the same clothes for a day almost already. Rookie.
12 miles left. I don't remember much from this section. I know I sat down at an aid station to let my feet rest. I know there was some single track that was really hard to maneuver due to not being to bend my knee much. I got blinded by the knuckle light again.

As we are approaching the last aid station I look at my watch to see where we are at for time. I see that we have an hour and a half to get sub 24. I thought this goal was gone, I hadn't paid attention to overall time for almost 30 miles, just the time it took to get from crew station to crew station. A runner ahead of us hears us talking. "are you doing math, you can make it. You need to do a 15 min mile." We agreed we would stop quick and go. I needed a foot rub. It helped so much before and if I was gonna kick into high gear, I needed it. I had heard the last 3 miles were a B, the last mile especially. Roger knew we were close and had to push. He didn't want to rub my feet, not wanting to waste anytime that should be used to get to the finish. I convinced him, that in order to get there, I needed it.

We decided to go for it, Jana I could tell had been waiting  for this. We were running up things we walked previously, we ended up passing about 15 people. We were not going to let the clock win. Every time I envisioned the finish I would get choked up and have to shove it down. Crying and running don't mix. Jana, if you do not know her is the opposite of me in the crying game. I cry at everything, she cries at nothing. I told her she better cry at the end of this! I only snapped on her once. It was in these miles, it was a shut up or stop it or something. Quickly passed and almost forgotten already. We made it to that finish, those last 5 miles in 56:26, finishing at 3:41am with a total time of 23:41:47. I did it, I didn't cry though. We had kicked in so much so that our crew wasn't there. They missed it.

My daughter was disappointed, this was her first 100 mile spectating/crewing experience. It was something special to have here there eager to help, so proud. This is what makes me cry now. The hard work, the long hours, the sacrifices. She sees it firsthand. It pays off. When you spend most of your days in constant conflict with a 13 year old teenage girl and to have them light up at the sight of you while you are just trying to make it from point A to point B. That right there is priceless.

I am disappointed in myself for not hitting the A goal of a sub 22 hour finish especially when I was pace for over half the race. I know I can do better. i know it's there. I ran with multiple people throughout the race, sometimes for hours. You jump right into a seamless unspoken ongoing rhetoric almost immediately. You can talk about hardships and fears, mishaps and DNF's. All while never exchanging names. These strangers know more about you on a deeper level, names don't matter, labels don't matter. I know, they know, maybe you know.

Fun facts:
I asked for pickle juice at an aid station. Just a swig. They thought I was crazy and poured me a whole cup.

I changed shoes 7 times.

Every time I asked Jana if she had seen a confidence plate, one would appear right in right of us. Every. Time.

This course was mostly road and when you got to the single track there was so much mud that you wished for the road again.

A man named John Gessler finished his 25th Vermont 100 this year.

I ate 2 Clif shot bloks with two miles to go. Rocket-fuel?

I OD'd on Picky bars.

I was worried about getting a funky tan on my forehead from my backwards hat. I made sure Jana put sunscreen there.

They warned us about trench foot. Hence the changing of socks and shoes.

Chippewa 50K recap

There are many things that i could think about that might have caused a bad race. i would drive myself crazy thinking about all the things that i did or didn't do to feel so shitty on race day.

Roger and i got up to the race site Friday afternoon. i did a nice shake out run of about 3 miles on the course. i was concerned. i felt tired, my legs almost felt dead. why was my breathing not feeling normal?! I think i said that something wasn't right. We leave, we take about a 30 min nap, go into town for dinner. All is well.

Wake up and have breakfast like any other race morning. Get to the start about an hour before go time. Say hi to some fellow runners. Toe the line. Right up front where i like to be and knew within the first mile, it wasn't going to be my day. The woman who ended up holding first place for the first half went out fast, i lost sight of her quick. So I knew that my A goal was gone. I felt as though i was anaerobic from the get go. i held a strong second place until about halfway, even though many times i thought about dropping. i felt horrible. I didn't feel right. About every 20 min i had to cough so hard as to dislodge some phlem so i wouldn't choke.

This has been happening on most runs since #birdstrike and getting sick the next week. i haven't been able to hit the paces i should be, and feel overall like something isn't right. My legs get tired very quickly and just overall am not able to push it.

Halfway I was passed by 2 more females putting me in 4th, then another. I mentally took a step back and settled on goal D, which was just to finish. Shortly after the middle aid station Roger told me first place was in bad shape and cramping. I passed her and we chatted, I gave her some salt and went on my way. The woman who was in 3rd also was in rough shape, so now putting me in 5th.

I finish strong in 5th. So happy it was over. Roger reminded me that this was my second ever "bad" race in 6 years. It feels so much worse. The results were there but I felt overall horrible from the get go, so to me it was a bad race. i am trying to tell myself that this was a training race and the big ones are later this summer, but it is hard when you are as competitive as i am.


The plan now is to get stronger, take it as a learning lesson, and focus hard for the next 2 months for the Vermont 100. I havent had this much anxiety about racing for awhile.