This year i was not there.
I did not see this live.
I headed out on my own marathon this morning at 8:40 am central time. The elite women were already on their way.
To give me strength I had my Boston hat and my Fellow Flowers shirt "you can not destroy the will of a runner" on and ready to go.
The first 5 miles were humid and i was feeling good. It started to rain, no not rain, pour. It was a warm rain though and i wasn't going to turn back. My body felt strong and I knew i was going slow but to finish was the goal for today. So for the next 15 miles it rained.
There were times during this run where I cried and instead of choking them back i let them flow. I cried for the race i didnt have, I cried for the fear i felt, I cried for the lives lost, I cried for the pain that still remains everywhere. Still i had a smile.
When i run i dont bring my phone, today i did. When i reached 26.2 and saved my route i looked at my phone. My husband wrote an amazing post about our journey on facebook. Upon reading that with the emotion of what i had just done was truly overwhelming.
When i got in the door i heard that an American had won! Meb had accomplished something that he had been so close to before. i watched the live feed from the race and it was not through clear eyes.
For a year I have not been able to read, look at, or hear about Boston without choking up. I avoided the papers and the tv on the anniversary, i couldnt handle it just yet. The pain was still so raw, it still is honestly. To see my friends give the race a go or another go is amazing.
I knew i had to try to deal with this raw reaction in my way and to run the distance again was all i could do. today i ran with a purpose thinking about the bad race i had and how i was feeling at certain mile markers. today added to the miles i have been building since saturdays' half marathon. 54 for three days.
My Boston time was 4:24:47. My time today 4:16:38
It is true that you can not destroy the will of a runner. it can be broken or lost, but not destroyed. It may take years to revive itself but it will be back.
