It Seems that I miss Suffering

This is a crazy time we are living in. I am just as busy, runners need to run. As a run coach being there for my clients is my job, one I do not take lightly. This is a very uncertain time for so many and falling back on something that is a cornerstone is imperative.

We are finding ways to be creative while being confined to our homes or a small radius near our homes. Trails and parks are being closed leaving us without the release we have relied on. I have given challenges to clients that have made them think about their surroundings in new ways.

No matter if you are home with your kids helping them virtual learn, laid off, or still working we all still need something. Something that is ours to tie us back to the life we had just 2 months ago. Without a doubt life is going to be different. The way we interact with others, our gatherings, races: a new normal.

In talking with a client today about a virtual race option to spark his training, something occurred to me. There are so many of us, myself included that are still running, still training, but something is missing. We know races are out for the foreseeable future and almost everyone and their mother has a virtual option. But, if you are like me a virtual race seems like a waste of time. That isn't why we race to begin with. However, in being a small business owner I can empathize with the race directors that are trying to make it, trying to keep things similar, trying to raise money. Just trying. So, with a new race that has a virtual option this year, it seemed that maybe that's what I needed.

In going along with David Goggins and needing to re establish his badass. I realized I need to suffer. Our minds are taking over and giving us permission to quit, to take more rest days, to not work as hard. As an ultrarunner masochism comes with the territory. Suffering is a part of the journey. Without races we aren't putting our suffering and what we are made of to the test. The little voice inside is winning.

Not only am I going to do this virtual option of 100 miles, I am going to try to structure it so there is ample opportunity to suffer. Also an opportunity to come out with a fire, and problem solving skills in a time of desperation. I am encouraging my clients to do the same.

In thinking back to these cycles that seem to now be my life of a few good days followed by a few shitty days:repeat. I miss a hard training block with a hard ass goal at the end, I feel lost. I know I am not alone in this. This virtual run is going to be my spark as well. I am going to train like my 100 miler in late September is happening and I am going to show up in fantastic shape.

In a time of solitude

In a time where solitude was once sought, it seems that's all we have. We are told that we are to stay in or near our homes, 6ft away from another person who isn't in your household, and most of the country is shut down. In this space, I am fortunate that the hobby/sport/livelihood I have is running. It is one of the more normal things we can try to maintain.



Within this stay home order I am seeing more and more people outside than normally would be at this time of year. It can be frustrating seeing people who are in "your" space. Even though I run outside on public paths and roads, I still feel slightly territorial. I understand why these other people are out. They are now working from home, have kids home from school, and need the fresh air and the outlet. Still. It is silly on my part to think that I can own a part of the outside. I needed to recenter.

I decided yesterday after a hard fast run that I was going to go back to where it began. So, this morning I drove out to where I used to live, where I learned I loved to run. I picked a route that I knew by heart and headed out on one of my favorite 15 mile routes. I cannot explain how much joy I had. It was misty and all the miles I had run on these country roads came flooding back to me like slideshow. The miles in the sun and rain, the feelings I had as I passed certain landmarks, the every changing landscape. So many birds of all kinds were out. I didn't see a single person. I wrote the directions on my hand like I used to before I had a GPS watch(not that I needed them, my feet knew the way). Those miles were effortless, as if I was floating.

At many points, and even now as I am thinking back on it, I am crying. These tears are so full of true happiness. They are also full of grief and longing. I miss those roads, they made me fall in love. I haven't run on those roads in at least 3 years, when I was a different person in a different place.


It's not uncommon to be all alone on those runs, so today didn't seem that out of place. It was normal, those roads were all mine. i didn't realize how much I needed that, until I was out there. Honestly, I don't think I was ready until now either.


All I can say. If you are feeling like you need a reset and you can get to a road/trail (where you can be 6ft away from another human) that fills you with joy. Don't hesitate.